Tonight as I sit eating my favorite snack of pita chips and
hummus, streaming Spotify, and avoiding as much homework as possible, I found
myself thinking- so….. is this it? Is this what life was supposed to be for me
at 27?
So far I have proved to do nothing that I had planned as I
sat in youth group meetings as a teenager. No husband. No kids. No meaningful,
world changing job. No degree.
My mind filled with doubt and self- deprecating thoughts
rather quickly as you can imagine. But then I looked around my dumpy apartment,
glared at my roommates dirty dishes and thought- So, what if this it? Am I
happy?
I was relieved, a little shocked even, to realize- Yes, I
am. It’s not the happiness that I was preached or even the happiness I hoped
for as a young woman, but it is my very own quirky kind of happiness.
My journey to adulthood was not what I had in mind. I sat in
young women’s and wanted the same thing every Beehive, Mia-Maid, and Laurel in
the LDS church has ever wanted. I wanted to get out of high school, have an
adventure, fall in love, get married, have children, and find my own personal happily
ever after. I mean I made the marriage time capsules, wrote down children’s
names, and effectively didn’t plan a full-time career like the rest of you.
When I looked at this list of what I wanted when I was young
and sadly only able to check off just two things I was rather disheartened.(mind
you- one of those easily checked off life goals was graduating high school- not
a big feat) But then I thought. “screw it” ( I know lady like right?) (Sorry Grandma,
I know you are reading this and you would be disappointed in my poor language)
What is it about Mormons that we think we need to fit some crazy cookie cutter
mold? Why is my happiness as an independent young single adult woman somehow
less than the happiness of my married friends? As far as I know we are all
human beings that are created equal as children of God, and thus we all are
searching after the same happiness available in this life.
Now, I am a dang good catch if I do say so myself.(I even
didn’t swear in writing like I did in my head in that statement) I love children. I clean. I sew. I have
MASTERED the chocolate chip cookie. I’m pretty witty. I Love to laugh. I live
the gospel the best I can. What the hell is wrong with me then? (Okay, as I
write this I realize it might just be my language- sorry again grandma!)
I quickly made a list answering that question. But, I don’t
think I should air my dirty laundry online. (Oh, maybe that’s it- I do hate
doing laundry)
As I formed my internal list of shortcomings I realized that
we have created an awful culture as members of the church that somehow deems
the question of “what is wrong with me” necessary to LDS singles. We have to stop
that. We should not create any type of culture as followers of Christ that
makes others feel like they are not good enough. I cannot recall a single
instance in the life of our Savior that He belittled those around him and made
them feel inferior. Yet, well meaning YSA bishoprics, married friends, parents,
grandparents, and co-workers are all guilty of making us question ourselves due
to our singleness.
*For those
of you reading this that are married please know that I realize your questions
of “are you seeing anyone?” are coming from a place of love. BUT, I assure you
that IF and WHEN I am dating someone I will be more than happy to offer the
information to you when I am ready to- You probably won’t even have to ask. Try
asking about my life plans, my schooling, my friends, heck even my family.
Because we all know that when the answer to your well meant question is “NO” it
makes us both feel awkward. So how about you just continue being the friend,
bishop, or co-worker that you always were and avoid the awkwardness altogether!
Somehow in this mostly wonderful LDS culture, a few years
ago, I found myself in a place in life where
I all of the sudden had to prove to others that I was happy. It’s like turning
25 immediately put me in the “what will she do if she doesn’t get married?”
group. By the way, whose idea was it to create that group?
To all you wonderers and worriers of my eternal singleness
and subsequent happiness. I have the answer.
I will do exactly what I would do if I were married.
I will live my life searching for and finding happiness in
everyday situations. I will live the gospel. I will attend the temple. I will
do my best to follow the commandments of our Heavenly Father. AND I WILL
CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. Good enough for you? It is for me.
Being married doesn’t define someone. It doesn’t all the
sudden give them an identity-or at least it shouldn’t. Whether married or
single we are all individuals with feelings and dreams. We all walk separate
paths and we all find our own sense of self. We each sin in our own way, we repent, we do
better. Salvation is an individual’s job. (Now, this does not mean that I do
not believe in and desire the blessings that come from marriage. I want to be
married in this life. I want to make further covenants in the temple. I want to
raise a family.) But please remember that even if married in this life, we
cannot drag our spouses to heaven- they must also work to follow the path laid
out for us by our Savior. So please do not fret over my eternal welfare. I will
be fine.
Now, I think I am a pretty good person. Yes, there are entire
years of my life that I wish I didn’t experience. Things I would change if I
could. But all my slip-ups, mess-ups, and completely awkward phases made me who
I am- and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Now, please do not take that this open discussion of my
inner thoughts as me being happy that I am not married. It means that I am
happy. I just also happen to not be married. Do I want to be married? More than
I could ever express. I would love to
not be the only one making decisions when it comes to jobs and where I should
go after I graduate. I would love a mans perspective that wasn’t always my dads
( no offense dad but at 27 its weird to always have to call my dad for a
different perspective- but that is not changing anytime soon so its up to you
for now!) I would love to have someone else do the cooking or grocery shopping
every once and a while. Heck, for as
much as I love driving I would love someone else to drive on all the road trips
I have found opportunity to take lately. I would love to have a standing date
on a Friday night. And I crave someone
to binge watch NCIS with me and discuss
the conundrum of a man that is Leroy gethro gibbs. BUT, I haven’t found someone
that I willing to give up space on the couch for yet.
And as much as I would love to be able to dwell in a
mountain of self pity and carton of ben and jerry’s I try not to because 1- its
pathetic and 2- it doesn’t change anything.
The list I created as young woman has taken on different
meaning in my life. Yay I got out of
high school AND then I went on a crazy ride of taking entirely too long to
graduate which I do in july! Yay ! Go me!
I have had more adventures than I thought I ever would. I
served a mission- something I never thought I would do. I lived in Uganda for
months and had more adventure than you will ever know.
I have fallen in love. A few times actually…AND…. I have had that love not work out.
But I have also fallen in love with groups of people, cultures, places, food, smells, and sights. No, it’s not your forever sappy kind of love but man have I learned how to love.
I haven’t had children of my own and maybe I never will. But
I have had children come into my life that I would do anything for. I have been
able to hold and soothe a fevered baby. I have helped teach a toddler the
ABC’s. I have talked puberty with preteens. I might not be a mother. But I have
children in my life that I am fiercely protective of and that know exactly how
to bring a smile to my face.
Now, as far as my own personal happily ever after. I never
was the princess type. Happily ever after is a great sentiment but I fully
expect to have crappy days from here on out. I will have the “woe is me days”.
The “wow this sucks” days. And even the “I cant do it anymore” days. But you
know what – you married people will too! Welcome to life. But remember for all
the days we end saying “another day like that will literally kill me” we will
have days full of green grass and picnics. Our kites will continue to fly.
Dinners will turn out perfectly. Work will be easy. And everyone we meet will
love us.
Life is full of all the days. So please enjoy them. Single
or married find your own happiness and remember the words from one of my
favorite Regina Spektor songs, “Love what you have and youll have more love”.
